If you’re a movie fan as well as a sports fan, you’re probably as disappointed as I am that there aren’t many sports flicks in theaters this summer. So forget what you’ve read in other non-sports summer movie previews. Coming soon (i.e. never) to a screen near you:
SUPER 8: This is either A). A nostalgic look at 8-man football in small-town America turns creepy when a group of teammates inadvertently captures the Smoke Monster from “Lost” on game film. Or B). An enigmatic bio-pic about former BYU and San Francisco 49ers quarterback Steve Young from director J.J. Abrams.
SMURFS: Little blue men from Utah State challenge little blue men from BYU to a Smurf war after accusing the Cougars of stealing their shade of blue. Smurf rivalry hijinks ensue.
COWBOYS & ALIENS: Harrison Ford, Daniel Craig and Olivia Wilde star in this comedy about the Dallas Cowboys taking on minor league baseball’s Las Vegas 51s and MLS’s L.A. Galaxy in a cross-sport skills challenge. Sadly, the Cowboys have the upper hand in the competition, since they have time on their hands while waiting for the NFL lockout to end.
X-MEN: First Class: Hilarity ensues as the men’s basketball team from Xavier University realizes it has been upgraded to seats in the front of the plane in a case of mistaken identity. Honestly, at this point, it feels like these Hollywood screenwriters are just mailing it in.
LARRY CROWNE: A romantic comedy starring a middle-aged Tom Hanks as a washed-up college football star who goes back to school and falls for professor Julia Roberts. Hanks’ career is shown in flashbacks as he scores touchdowns for Alabama, drinks Dr. Pepper at the White House and starts a running movement across America. Also starring life as a box of chocolates.
HARRY POTTER AND THE DEATHLY HALLOWS: PART 2: Harry Potter and his motley band of wizard teammates forced overtime in the championship game of the Quidditch Cup against heavily favored Lord He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named-But-Whose-Name-If-You-Insist-On-Saying-It-Is-Voldemort and his evil squad of Deatheaters in the cliffhanger of Part 1. Can the underdogs save the wizarding and Muggle worlds with an upset in Part 2?
CAPTAIN AMERICA: THE FIRST AVENGER: The superhero gets one chance at redemption after nearly costing the Marvel Comics Avengers the championship against the DC Comics Justice League.
HORRIBLE BOSSES: Employees of Al Davis and George Steinbrenner finally snap as the two engage in a competition to see who can fire the most people. Jason Alexander and Donald Trump make cameo appearances.
FRIGHT NIGHT: Employees of George Steinbrenner and Al Davis realize their bosses actually died years ago but have come back to fire some more people in this campy horror flick.
GREEN LANTERN: One if by land, two if by sea … Paul Revere’s lantern turns out to have superpowers in this imaginative retelling of one of history’s most famous horse races.
ANOTHER EARTH: An identical planet Earth shows up next to ours, only in this one, the Cubs have actually won a World Series since 1908. Suspension of disbelief is strongly encouraged.
TRANSFORMERS: DARK OF THE MOON: Robots from outer space decide to determine the fate of humanity in a best-of-5 baseball series in low gravity on the lunar surface. In the dramatic final scene, Optimus Prime must catch a deep drive to left field by Megatron before it hits Saturn and explodes the galaxy.
OUR IDIOT BROTHER: Jose and Ozzie Canseco are still arguing about who is the title character in this doped-up comedy.
APOLLO 18: Irritated at Rocky Balboa for continuing to turn out Rocky movies years past his prime, Apollo Creed comes back from movie death to release Apollos 1-18. Top that, Sly.
CARS 2: Pixar continues its hot streak with what passes as the the closest thing to a real sports movie this summer as Lightning McQueen heads to Tokyo for an international auto race. The twist? Mater must deal with spy intrigue and save the world as we know it by convincing the NFL and NBA to end their labor disputes.