OK, it’s the silly season, and nothing has been sillier than the GOP presidential candidate scrum in which — late breaking news! — Herman Cain is probably going to drop out for having the morals of a mink, not that that ever stopped Newt Gingrich who at least had the decency to ask his wife if he could cheat on her.
He asked his second wife, I should clarify. So he could cheat with the woman who became his third. If I were his third wife, Callista, I’d be keeping a close eye on that guy.
But I digress.
That’s why our topic today is so fun — it’s simple. Mitt Romney is being attacked for his religion, the LDS faith, which apparently is some sort of cult so obviously he can’t be president, right?
No, a Quaker who bombs the crud out of North Vietnam and Cambodia can be. A born again Christian who attacks a country that didn’t attack us can be. But someone whose religious roots are based on a guy who reads books with rocks in his hat? Heaven forbid!
Which is why I thought the following email was funny. I even got most of the jokes:
This really has nothing to do with political persuasion, but anyone who
knows the LDS culture will get a kick out of some of these.
Last week, Florida evangelical Christian leader John Stemberger
endorsed Rick Perry’s campaign for GOP presidential nominee. According to
Stemberger, Perry was more “trustworthy” …on social conservation issues
like abortion rights. On Romney, Stemberger said: “The issue not that he is
a Mormon. The issue is that he wasn’t Mormon enough. If he had been
consistent with traditional Mormon values his whole career, that would make
me feel a lot more comfortable about where he’s coming from.”
Mitt Romney. Not Mormon enough.
Stemberger’s ludicrous assessment of Mitt Romney’s Mormonism inspired an
eighteen-hour-stream of “Mitt Romney is so Mormon jokes” on Twitter at
@askmormongirl. I’m reprinting the best here,
(Just a note: for most of these have to be Mormon to understand.)
So, how Mormon is Mitt Romney?
Mitt Romney is so Mormon that he’s afraid to join the Tea Party because of
Doctrine & Covenants Section 89.
Mitt is so Mormon he’s related to the other Mormon presidential candidate
and half of his own campaign volunteers as well.
Mitt is so Mormon his campaign bus is a pioneer handcart.
Mitt is so Mormon he’d call 19-year-old boys to serve as US ambassadors.
Mitt is so Mormon his Israel policy will be centered on Jackson County,
Mitt is so Mormon he’ll make the income tax a flat 10% and collect fast
offerings to fund Medicaid.
Mitt is so Mormon he doesn’t do Pilates, he does golden Pilates.
Mitt is so Mormon that his campaign “oppo” team has done all the other
Mitt is so Mormon he’d make the Book of Mormon required reading at the
Bureau of Indian Affairs.
Mitt is so Mormon he’d commission a presidential motorcade built entirely of
10-passenger family vans.
Mitt is so Mormon, he will actually hang the Constitution up by a thread,
just so he can save it.
Mitt is so Mormon, he will ask members of Congress to go home and pray about
his economic plan.
Mitt is so Mormon he’d ask the Elders Quorum to move him into the White
Mitt is so Mormon that his first act will be to make July 24 a national
Mitt is so Mormon, he asks donors to stack chairs after fundraising dinners.
Mitt is so Mormon he’ll award Ty Detmer, Steve Young, and Jimmer Fredette
the Congressional Medal of Honor.
Mitt is so Mormon he refers to expatriates as “apostates” and non-US
citizens as “Gentiles.”
Mitt is so Mormon that his campaign slogan is “What do you know about Mitt
Romney? Would you like to know more?”
Mitt is so Mormon he’ll reroute the Freedom Trail through Palmyra, New York,
Nauvoo, Illinois, and Winter Quarters, Iowa.
Mitt is so Mormon he’ll rename the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, and Firearms
the Word of Wisdom squad.
Mitt is so Mormon he’d do an ad for the LDS Church: “I’m a husband, father,
and leader of the free world. And I’m a Mormon.”
Mitt is so Mormon he isn’t as concerned about getting American youth jobs as
he is about getting them married.
Mitt is so Mormon he tried to convince CNN to let him bring a visual aid to
the debate so he could turn it into an object lesson.
Mitt is so Mormon that he refers to Congress as “The Great and Spacious
Mitt is so Mormon he’ll end every address with “hope you all get home
without any harm or accidents.”
Mitt is so Mormon he’ll assign a friend to every new member of Congress.
Mitt is so Mormon he’s already picked out a room in the White House for his
year’s supply of wheat and beans, and he’ll require the White House Chef to
rotate the food storage.
Mitt is so Mormon his Secret Service codename will be Mahonri Moriancumr.
Mitt is so Mormon he thinks Harvard is the BYU of the east.
Mitt is so Mormon, he doesn’t campaign: he “fellowships.”
Mitt is so Mormon that he’s installing two basketball hoops at the inaugural
ball so there’s a place to hang decorations.
Mitt is so Mormon that he’ll change the name of “Cabinet Meeting” to
Mitt is so Mormon that if he got elected all of the White House Pyrex 9×13
pans would have a piece of masking tape on them with his name written in
Mitt is so Mormon that he’s going to rename the 101st Airborne as “The
Mitt is so Mormon, he won’t deport illegal aliens, he’ll just disfellowship
Mitt is so Mormon, he’ll rename FEMA the Federal Relief Society.
Mitt is so Mormon that if elected he’ll require every state to have an
Mitt is so Mormon that he’ll appoint Lavell Edwards head of the Department
Mitt is so Mormon that he’ll rename the weekly presidential address
“Politics and the Spoken Word.”
Mitt is so Mormon that his cabinet would consist entirely of unqualified
Mitt is so Mormon he’d outsource the department of education to the Boy
Mitt is so Mormon he’d convene a linger-longer after cabinet meetings.
Mitt is so Mormon he’d hang a copy of the Proclamation on the Family and a
picture of the Washington, D.C. LDS temple in the White House.
Mitt is so Mormon he has volunteers combing through old GOP voter rolls for
less actives he can reactivate.
Mitt is so Mormon he’d ask the Chief Justice to use a SCRIPTURE QUAD at his