Mitt Romney is so Mormon that … what?

OK, it’s the silly season, and nothing has been sillier than the GOP presidential candidate scrum in which — late breaking news! — Herman Cain is probably going to drop out for having the morals of a mink, not that that ever stopped Newt Gingrich who at least had the decency to ask his wife if he could cheat on her.

He asked his second wife, I should clarify. So he could cheat with the woman who became his third.  If I were his third wife, Callista, I’d be keeping a close eye on that guy.

But I digress.

That’s why our topic today is so fun — it’s simple. Mitt Romney is being attacked for his religion, the LDS faith, which apparently is some sort of cult so obviously he can’t be president, right?

No, a Quaker who bombs the crud out of North Vietnam and Cambodia can be. A born again Christian who attacks a country that didn’t attack us can be. But  someone whose religious roots are based on a guy who reads books with rocks in his hat? Heaven forbid!

Which is why I thought the following email was funny. I even got most of the jokes:

This really has nothing to do with political persuasion, but anyone who 
knows the LDS culture will get a kick out of some of these. 

THE BACKGROUND: 

Last week, Florida evangelical Christian leader John Stemberger 
endorsed Rick Perry’s campaign for GOP presidential nominee. According to 
Stemberger, Perry was more “trustworthy” …on social conservation issues 
like abortion rights. On Romney, Stemberger said: “The issue not that he is 
a Mormon. The issue is that he wasn’t Mormon enough. If he had been 
consistent with traditional Mormon values his whole career, that would make 
me feel a lot more comfortable about where he’s coming from.” 

THE RESPONSES: 
Mitt Romney. Not Mormon enough.  

Stemberger’s ludicrous assessment of Mitt Romney’s Mormonism inspired an 
eighteen-hour-stream of “Mitt Romney is so Mormon jokes” on Twitter at 
@askmormongirl. I’m reprinting the best here,

 

 (Just a note: for most of these have to be Mormon to understand.) 

So, how Mormon is Mitt Romney? 

Mitt Romney is so Mormon that he’s afraid to join the Tea Party because of 
Doctrine & Covenants Section 89. 

Mitt is so Mormon he’s related to the other Mormon presidential candidate 
and half of his own campaign volunteers as well. 

Mitt is so Mormon his campaign bus is a pioneer handcart. 

Mitt is so Mormon he’d call 19-year-old boys to serve as US ambassadors. 

Mitt is so Mormon his Israel policy will be centered on Jackson County, 
Missouri. 

Mitt is so Mormon he’ll make the income tax a flat 10% and collect fast 
offerings to fund Medicaid. 

Mitt is so Mormon he doesn’t do Pilates, he does golden Pilates. 

Mitt is so Mormon that his campaign “oppo” team has done all the other 
candidates’ genealogy. 

Mitt is so Mormon he’d make the Book of Mormon required reading at the 
Bureau of Indian Affairs. 

Mitt is so Mormon he’d commission a presidential motorcade built entirely of 
10-passenger family vans. 

Mitt is so Mormon, he will actually hang the Constitution up by a thread, 
just so he can save it. 

Mitt is so Mormon, he will ask members of Congress to go home and pray about 
his economic plan. 

Mitt is so Mormon he’d ask the Elders Quorum to move him into the White 
House. 

Mitt is so Mormon that his first act will be to make July 24 a national 
holiday. 

Mitt is so Mormon, he asks donors to stack chairs after fundraising dinners. 

Mitt is so Mormon he’ll award Ty Detmer, Steve Young, and Jimmer Fredette 
the Congressional Medal of Honor. 

Mitt is so Mormon he refers to expatriates as “apostates” and non-US 
citizens as “Gentiles.” 

Mitt is so Mormon that his campaign slogan is “What do you know about Mitt 
Romney? Would you like to know more?” 

Mitt is so Mormon he’ll reroute the Freedom Trail through Palmyra, New York, 
Nauvoo, Illinois, and Winter Quarters, Iowa. 

Mitt is so Mormon he’ll rename the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, and Firearms 
the Word of Wisdom squad. 

Mitt is so Mormon he’d do an ad for the LDS Church: “I’m a husband, father, 
and leader of the free world. And I’m a Mormon.” 

Mitt is so Mormon he isn’t as concerned about getting American youth jobs as 
he is about getting them married. 

Mitt is so Mormon he tried to convince CNN to let him bring a visual aid to 
the debate so he could turn it into an object lesson. 

Mitt is so Mormon that he refers to Congress as “The Great and Spacious 
Building.” 

Mitt is so Mormon he’ll end every address with “hope you all get home 
without any harm or accidents.” 

Mitt is so Mormon he’ll assign a friend to every new member of Congress. 

Mitt is so Mormon he’s already picked out a room in the White House for his 
year’s supply of wheat and beans, and he’ll require the White House Chef to 
rotate the food storage. 

Mitt is so Mormon his Secret Service codename will be Mahonri Moriancumr. 

Mitt is so Mormon he thinks Harvard is the BYU of the east. 

Mitt is so Mormon, he doesn’t campaign: he “fellowships.” 

Mitt is so Mormon that he’s installing two basketball hoops at the inaugural 
ball so there’s a place to hang decorations. 

Mitt is so Mormon that he’ll change the name of “Cabinet Meeting” to 
“Correlation Meeting.” 

Mitt is so Mormon that if he got elected all of the White House Pyrex 9×13 
pans would have a piece of masking tape on them with his name written in 
Sharpie. 

Mitt is so Mormon that he’s going to rename the 101st Airborne as “The 
Stripling Warriors.” 

Mitt is so Mormon, he won’t deport illegal aliens, he’ll just disfellowship 
them. 

Mitt is so Mormon, he’ll rename FEMA the Federal Relief Society. 

Mitt is so Mormon that if elected he’ll require every state to have an 
Official Casserole. 

Mitt is so Mormon that he’ll appoint Lavell Edwards head of the Department 
of Defense. 

Mitt is so Mormon that he’ll rename the weekly presidential address 
“Politics and the Spoken Word.” 

Mitt is so Mormon that his cabinet would consist entirely of unqualified 
volunteers. 

Mitt is so Mormon he’d outsource the department of education to the Boy 
Scouts. 

Mitt is so Mormon he’d convene a linger-longer after cabinet meetings. 

Mitt is so Mormon he’d hang a copy of the Proclamation on the Family and a 
picture of the Washington, D.C. LDS temple in the White House. 

Mitt is so Mormon he has volunteers combing through old GOP voter rolls for 
less actives he can reactivate. 

Mitt is so Mormon he’d ask the Chief Justice to use a SCRIPTURE QUAD at his 
inauguration

 
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22 Responses to Mitt Romney is so Mormon that … what?

  1. karl says:

    guess i’ve been in Utah long enough…i got a lot of the jokes

  2. Bob Becker says:

    “Mitt is so Mormon he thinks Harvard is the BYU of the east. ”

    Nice.

  3. roberta says:

    I take umbrage with the comment about mink (whoever said it). There is no Mrs. Mink. Just a lot frantic making of little minks. I would add an analogy about the ever fascinating spider. With us humans it just takes a little longer for the female to bite the males head off. However, she does get it done, usually after watching the sickening hypocrisy for a while. But revenge is best when served cold. This has absolutely nothing to do with Mitt or Mormons…..I guess.

  4. Owain says:

    “Herman Cain is probably going to drop out for having the morals of a mink.”

    That never seemed to bother Bill Clinton much.

    I thought it was an article of faith among liberals that “Any form of consensual sexual behavior is to be accepted if not celebrated; with that central belief comes the policy abortion on demand for any woman at any age free from parental consent for minors; free contraceptives in schools, gay marriage, and the insistence that Bill Clinton’s lying under oath about Monica Lewinsky didn’t count because it was about sex”, or does that only apply to Democrats? (Go to the Campaign Spot on NRO to see more on What Do Democrats Really Stand for Today. It’s an interesting read).

    Now I’m not endorsing Cain’s behavior, you understand. I’m just pointing out the hypocrisy.

    • Bob Becker says:

      “That never seemed to bother Bill Clinton much.”

      No, it didn’t. But then, Clinton didn’t seek the nomination of a party that had the temerity to claim it and it alone was the “family values party.” Cain too ran as a Family Values candidate for the nomination of the [so called] Family Values party. That’s why his catting around on his wife matters more in terms of his election than Clinton’s did. If Cain had not made a great show of his [alleged] commitment to “family values” in his pursuit of the nomination, I wouldn’t care who he was canoodling with if I thought he was the man most likely to govern the nation well.

      It’s the Hippocracy that’s the problem in this regard for Cain. Not that it will necessarily kill his candidacy. After all, the leading challenger to Romney for the nomination at the moment is serial adulterer and oft married “Family Values” candidate Newt Gingrich. And when Republican Senator Vitter [La.], was caught using the same hooker service in DC that Dem. Governor Eliot Spitzer [NY]was using, Vitter was [a] renominated by Louisiana Republicans for the Senate, [b] ran as a Family Values candidate and [c] won. Spitzer, of course, resigned his office in disgrace. But then, that wasn’t the only difference between them. Vitter had paid his hooker to dress him in diapers in the course of servicing him. Spitzer didn’t.

      Absent the ridiculous GOP claim that it and it alone is the Family Values Party and Cain’s claim that he is a Family Values candidate, I wouldn’t think his infidelity was any of the public’s business.

      • Owain says:

        Hypocrisy is part of the human condition, and yes, Cain has his share as well. However, to hear them talk (looking at you, Charles), you’d think liberals were immune to the stuff. Anthony Weiner demonstrated that isn’t so.

        Initially, he received significant support from liberals , but eventually was forced to resign once it became apparent he was causing more damage than he was worth.

        Even liberal hypocrisy has it limits, it seems. I suppose I should be grateful for that.

        • ctrentelman says:

          quite the contrary, I’m happy to acknowledge the hypocricy of liberals or anyone. I found Clinton’s behavior disgusting, and said so at the time.

          But as Becker has said, and as you insist on not understanding or at least acknowledging, the GOP is the party that found it politically expedient to claim that immorality was a reason to disqualify Clinton from office. They made many fine speeches about how foreign governments could not trust someone who was not moral in his private life. Gingrich was among them.

          They now are being held to their own standard, since they spoke so highly of it before, and I don’t find that hypocritical at all.

          • Owain says:

            If you are so happy to acknowledge anyone’s hypocricy, why did you only list Republicans rather than politicians in general? Among former Democratic Presidential candidates/office holders alone, you could have listed not only Bill Clinton, but also John Edwards, not to mention Al Gore.

            Sorry Charles, I can’t hear what you are saying over the din of what you actually do.

    • Ian Osmond says:

      For what it’s worth, most liberals I know, including myself, don’t get why the “affair” thing bothers anybody but his wife. But the sexual harassment thing — THAT bothers us. That’s the “consensual” thing — sexual harassment definitionally isn’t. The alleged affair? None of my beeswax.

  5. Pingback: 30 November 2011 | MormonVoices

  6. Jettboy says:

    “Mitt is so Mormon he’d hang a copy of the Proclamation on the Family and a picture of the Washington, D.C. LDS temple in the White House.”

    This is the only one that I think has a very high probability of truth. He probably has the Proclamation on the Family hanging up in his home now, but with the Boston Temple instead. Since the White House will be his official residence, and all Presidents dress up the main living area with their own belongings, I see no reason this won’t be done if its what he already does.

    • Bob Becker says:

      R:

      The article saying that was written by someone who seems to think that LDS Presidents/Prophets are chosen by election, and that Mitt could stand for that office if he loses his bid for the White House. As nearly anyone who lives in the People’s Republic of Utah knows, that is not the way it happens.

  7. hawg says:

    Charles has a sense of humor. who knew?
    those were all very good

  8. Bob Becker says:

    Best thing I’ve seen lately on the sad decline of Romney’s campaign from substance to schlock is Brian McGrory’s piece in the Boston Globe. Trib reprinted it, but I can’t find a link there. Here’s another printing of it: http://www.hawaiitribune-herald.com/sections/commentary/their-views/idea-romney.html

    Here’s the core of McGrory’s piece:

    Still, when this campaign rolled around, and the economy was the focus, Romney seemed like the man for the moment. He was a titan in business. He had governed Massachusetts out of a recession. He is uncommonly intelligent. And it doesn’t hurt that he basically comes across as Abraham Lincoln compared to the assorted cranks and crackpots who comprise most of the Republican field.

    He’s even pushed an early, effective message, one that goes like this: Voters in 2008 put their faith in a young, untested candidate in Barack Obama, as is the American way. Nothing against him, Romney says, but time has shown he isn’t up to the job. The message may work, because it may be right.

    But then came last week’s television ad, the first of Romney’s campaign, and everything old is new again. The spot shows Obama saying, “If we keep talking about the economy, we’re going to lose.” Problem is, as has been widely reported, Obama was repeating and mocking what a John McCain aide said about the GOP strategy in the 2008 race. The full Obama quote went like this: “Sen. McCain’s campaign actually said, and I quote, if we keep talking about the economy, we’re going to lose.”

    Which brings us to Romney adviser Eric Fehrnstrom. He may or may not be better than his recent zero-for-six record reflects, though he was great as CrazyKhazei on Twitter, circulating anonymous insults in the Massachusetts Senate race on behalf of Scott Brown. Then his identity was revealed, and he looked like he was running for student council at a reform school.

    Of the Romney ad and the out-of-context quote, Fehrnstrom bizarrely told the Globe, “It’s all deliberate.” Of the outcry from Obama’s camp: “Their reaction was quite hysterical.” Of the obvious deception: “If you do your job, (voters) will learn about it.”

    So basically, Romney deliberately deceived the public; he’s laughing because his opponent thinks it’s wrong; he feels no obligation to the truth. Is that about right?

    And with that, Mitt Romney has yet again relinquished his role as the adult in this race, the serious-minded reformer who soars above the fray to tell it like it is. Romney, yet again, is just another politician willing to sacrifice what’s left of his integrity for a vote.

  9. Mr. Widemouth says:

    What’s underneath the magic Mormon underwear? – Exposed http://www.squidoo.com/mormon-church

  10. Mr. Big says:

    Hey Dufus – Herman Cain is being accused of SEXUAL HARRASSMENT, which is much different than infidelity.

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