Fun with conspiracies, Part Deux

Since the Utah Legislature is now passing bills based on world conspiracies (see my blog friday) I thought it would be fun to ponder what other directions our Legislature could take in its musings as it seeks to protect us all from “THEM!”

Which were, as it turned out, giant ants.

THEM! is a great movie that allegedly starts out in New Mexico, although I like to think it really starts out in Utah, since we have a long history of radioactive animal disaster movies being filmed here. There’s “The Conqueror,” which has the double attraction of staring John Wayne as Ginghas Kahn (huh?) but also was filmed downwind from some of that harmless radiation southern Utah is so famous for. Radiation also plays a role in “Them!” making the ants big, so I think the movie producers saying the movie takes place in New Mexico is a fine piece of disinformation, the very key to a good conspiracy.

To begin with, the Legislature could take on space travel, which we all now know is faked. This could have unfortunate effects on one or two Utah firms, but what the heck, we’re talking fighting international conspiracies here, not protecting jobs. I’m thinking a law protecting all Utah-made and launched rockets from all federal oversight because, heck, they’re good enough for Utahns.

They could pass a law against any and all federal building codes. We know those building code inspectors are up to something fishy because, well, look what they managed to do to the World Trade Center buildings. Tens of thousands of people occupied those buildings on a daily basis, and yet those feds were able to sneak tons of high explosive into them and pack those explosives strategically around structural members to cause massive and coordinated explosions that looked like plane crashes.

Next up: “Utah Telecommunications protection act,” preventing the government from involvement in telephone numbers.

This is critical. Remember how, a year ago, everyone had to start using their area code even for local calls because Ma Bell said it was going to have to institute an “overlay” area code of 385?  Well, we’ve all been mis-dialing for a year  now, trying to remember to add the area code, re-setting all our cell phone memories, getting frustrated when the phone tells us to use 1- before 801 even when weare calling our friend across the street because the dimwit is still using a Salt Lake cell phone after moving to Ogden.

But here’s the question: Do you know anyone who has a 385 area code?

I don’t. I bet you don’t either. So, what’s up?

They’re conspiring, that’s what. All those extra seconds we all have to take to dial 801 or 435 or whatever, are adding up to hours, days, weeks of lost productivity, costing Utahns millions of dollars.

And what is the goal of Al Quida?  To cost America millions of dollars!  Nationwide, this is billions. Which proves that Al Quida has infiltrated the phone company, the most powerful entity on the planet – we’re all doomed!

Or not. It’s hard to say. As we saw in “The Matrix,” It is entirely possible that we were already doomed, and we’ve already been taken over. Frankly, the idea of members of the Utah Legislature as mis-firing computer programs makes a heck of a lot more sense than anything else I’ve seen come out of the capitol lately.

But, of course, you’d expect me to say that, wouldn’t you?

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2 Responses to Fun with conspiracies, Part Deux

  1. Jim Hutchins says:

    We used to have a copy machine in the office that sounded exactly like the ants in \Them!\. No one else got the joke, but then I didn’t work in the same office with Charles.

    James Arness + flamethrower + LA \River\ = movie bliss.

  2. tom says:

    It is about damn time some one at the Standard starting making some sense.
    I sure hope that “they” don’t come and take Charlie away before he can get the truth out.
    The Suits of Sandusky are definitely in on the conspiracies.

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