When I walk into church with my family, lately I’ve thought of the quote from Atticus Finch in the classic novel, “To Kill a Mockingbird”: I got started late, the middle-aged Atticus told his still-young kids who marveled at his advanced age.
Atticus also liked to sit by himself in church. Was that because his still-young kids spent most of “preaching” scarfing down snacks, fighting over toys and flexing their elbows to find enough pew room to draw pictures.
I’m 46 years old; got married at 35. I started late. My wife Kati is 39 now; a bit younger. We have three kids parading the pews during sacrament meeting; an almost teenager, a just-baptized and a toddler who also likes to explore under the pew as well. Sometimes I’d like to sit only with my wife at church. Of course, I’d like to spend one day a week only with her as well; and maybe one day a month by myself. (I say that without fear because I know she shares that wish, too)
To get to the point of this column, we’ve both noticed that we’ve become “in-betweeners” at church. It’s worse for me. I’m too old for Elders Quorum and too young for High Priests. My pheripheral neuropathy won’t allow me to compete on the basketball court with the other elders. On the other hand, I don’t have enough anecdotes about the “good old days” to survive in high priests. I don’t have personal experiences of the Vietnam or Korean wars.
As my wife has noted, there are few parents with children our oldest’s age that are our age. And the parents with children the age of our two youngest tend to be younger than us.
In other words, for the first time in our ward experience, we’re not part of an identifiable ward “cluster.” It’s a strange feeling; there’s no group to turn to — which is an unconscious attraction of Mormonism. Our “in-betweeners” status is even reflected in our church callings, which are of a more singular nature than in the past.
I digress here to stress that we are not ostracized. Our ward is pretty darn good, just about everyone is friendly and our children feel accepted and have many peer friends. It’s just that, since we haven’t moved out of the ward — and have no plans to — we have experienced the different stages of ward membership that others may not live through.
And now, at “closer to 50” and “almost 40,” with those still-young kids, we’re in the “in-between” stage … and it’s different, even eerie. This will probably pass in a few years. In 10 years I’ll be holding court in high priests, talking about my daughters in college, married or on a mission and a son saving up for a mission.
Maybe in 25 years I’ll actually be at a state where I’d consider a single visit per month to the LDS temple as something to be ashamed of, rather than an amazing accomplishment given the stumbling, bumbling, hustling, hurried world in which my family and I exist in.
This column was published in today’s edition of Currents, the Standard-Examiner’s digital-only section on politics and culture. For information on Currents, call (801) 625-4400.
rick stewart
on Nov 6th, 2009
@ 1:04 am:
doug … i recommend a calling in primary, best calling in the whole church / now all you need is for your bishop to recommend the same thing …
Paul Gardener
on Nov 6th, 2009
@ 10:07 am:
My wife and I often feel like we’re in completely the inverse position. We’re too young for those around us. I’m 38 and my wife 34, yet our three boys are 12,13,14. (Yes, it was a busy few years there.) The point I make is that most of the neighbors we have and those in our peer group age-wise, had their first kids around 30 and now have, for instance, 5, 6, 7 or 8 year olds. Our kids have no-one to hang out with their age in our neighborhood, and we feel like we’re in a totally different place than everyone as well.
The thinkg we’ve noticed here in Utah is that the church, for all it’s benefits, tends to make neighborhoods lazy. Not in the too lazy to keep your yard up kind of way, but rather in the get out and meet people kind of way. Because of the built in “clusters” or social groups that come with membership and regular meetings, I think many have lost the ability to just walk up to a stranger and strike up a conversation.
I’d suggest a hobby or activity that get’s you and the wife out of the house to meet people that perhaps aren’t in your neighborhood, but are in your interest group. My wife and I took a Master Gardeners course this year an it was great for meeting people. It just takes a bit of commitment.
Best of luck, and very nice post.
Paul~
Steve Stones
on Nov 6th, 2009
@ 10:09 am:
It’s not uncommon for men to wait until later in life to get married and have children. In fact, it is becoming more and more common in today’s day and age. I think couples getting married today more critically think about whether or not to have children because of the state of our economy and the economic burdens children can bring to a newly started family. I also think the choice to never get married is becoming more widely accepted in our society. You have nothing to apologize for Doug.
GORGOROTH
on Nov 6th, 2009
@ 5:34 pm:
Doug,
How did your editor let you publish this? This was the most inane, pointless peice of drivel in the known universe. Can I write a column about my age and kids and how it affects my bowling league/ Good God,man, are you self-involved
laytonian
on Nov 8th, 2009
@ 10:34 am:
Paul Gardener writes—”The thinkg we’ve noticed here in Utah is that the church, for all it’s benefits, tends to make neighborhoods lazy. Not in the too lazy to keep your yard up kind of way, but rather in the get out and meet people kind of way.”
Absolutely! The divide is amazing. Our LDS neighbors don’t even talk to the rest of us, to the point that one of them was absolutely shocked (six years later!) to find out that our daughter had undergone a kidney transplant.
Yet….we are consistently visited by LDS members wanting our donations for an LDS family, for a food drive, for a ward event…and if we ask for specifics, we’re told “the bishop said so on Sunday”.
The most interesting was a request to lobby Weber Basin to turn a piece of land behind our home into a park “for the kids in the ward to play in” (which would have necessitated the “kids in the ward” walking through our yard). Or the flyers (illegally) inserted into our mailbox, inviting us to events “at the wardhouse”. As if we know where that is.
Talking to your neighbors WITHOUT bringing up religion, would go a long way to smoothing things out. We’re expected to know all about what our LDS neighbors are doing, but no one cares about the rest of us.
Jason
on Nov 10th, 2009
@ 9:55 am:
I was made a High Priest when I was 30. I too felt “in-between” for a few years. However, I had a great mentor and friend who pointed out to me something that I feel is true for almost all who feel that way. Being an “in-betweener” is most often self imposed.
I used to think that I was too young or too old for something or some group and because I thought that way, I was. When I stopped that way of thinking and make an effort to include myself with other, the “in-between” thing went away.